I committed to participating in the National Blog Posting Month at the beginning of November. For a few days I was able to honor the commitment I made by posting every day. I was quickly derailed by the "drumbeat" of my fear of recurrence, which I did not honor enough in the beginning of the month.
My 2nd 3 month check up was scheduled for this last Monday, November 14. The weekend before my appointment was difficult. I didn't sleep well. I was cranky, and not able to focus on things that needed to get done. I was so distracted that I didn't make it to my mindfulness class Thursday night. And when I look back over my activity level for last week, I realized that I only made it to the gym 3 times, twice for running and once for a session on the indoor bike. Not nearly enough for me. I skipped a speaker event at school that I really wanted to go to, but I needed to get home, change into my pajamas and lay on the couch. To be honest, I am not sure if it was the results of the presidential election or my impending appointment, but I just didn't want to do anything after work.
I had good news at my checkup. My CA-125 is still at 8, unchanged from the last blood work. I scheduled my next checkup for 3 months, which is sometime in February. I left my appointment with the drumbeat finally silenced for a while. I had a celebratory breakfast with the dear friend who went to the oncologist with me, and then went into work.
On Tuesday I went to the Ovarian Wellness Support Group at Gilda's Club. When I arrived at the meeting, I found that one of the members who I had become friendly with passed away the week before. The last time I saw her she was told that her cancer had returned and she had just re-started chemotherapy. She didn't make it to the previous meeting because the treatments were being so hard on her. She was admitted to the hospital last week, and then sent home for hospice. Finding out she passed away made me incredibly sad. And I began to wonder if I should doubt the accuracy of my last blood test and physical. And the drumbeat begins again.